I’m not sure exactly when or how it happened, but I turned my fear of failure into an anger to make it right. I do not seem to concentrate so much anymore on the fact that I failed, but more on the where did I go wrong and what can I do to fix it.
I am glad that I don’t see failure as a life-stopping omen anymore, although I would appreciate a whole month (afraid to ask for a year) of no failures – just once. But I guess I will just accept the fact that I have been able to turn fear into anger to make it right.
I feel like I have to fight to make or get anything good in my life. If I don’t fight for it, I feel like it came to easy and it will not last. Even worse, I feel like I do not deserve it.
(Don’t you just love makeameme.com – LOL)
Now, how stupid is that? Get something good and think you need to give it back because you don’t deserve it. I have been through hell in my short life (yes, 58 years is short to me) and I try to think that maybe a part of me, by now, should be allowed to appreciate and enjoy a bit of easiness.
I have purchased several self-help books to try to help me overcome this ridiculous feeling of non-deservingness (yep, that is now a word, I just made it up). I love to read so I begin to follow their plans, guidelines, rules, ideas, whatever; only to fail again.
Instead, I am now trying something new. This is not new to life in general, but it is new for me to use it. I want to start my days by listing at least three things I have that are:
- Good for me and in my life now.
- Bring me happiness or at least make me smile thinking of them.
- Realize that I have earned them and do now deserve them in my life.
I am not forcing myself to write them down, even though I am a very visual learner. I just wake up and, before I even get out of bed, I lay there and purposely think about the current good things in my life that I have. These are some of them:
- Our small farm. I have found that it is apparently very hard or maybe just very scary for people to obtain one. It took a ton of effort to get ours, and it continues to be a day-to-day struggle in many areas, but we have more good than bad things here:
- Critters to love and care for that, in return, give us good clean food.
- Space to grow all our own food naturally. We practice as much of the natural methods as possible for our area.
- Ability to have a small firepit in our yard and actually see stars at night (missed that in Denver).
- Being able to look back at the end of my day and see the work I have done. I could never feel that way in my office, factory, restaurant, or other jobs.
- Every spring I look forward to playing with new baby critters. Every fall I look forward to processing all the food we grew. Every winter I look forward to a bit of rest and planning for the next year’s surprises.
- Caring for my grandson. This one is actually a trick good thing. The poor little pooper has been through so many horrific things in his little nine years of life, that I just want to provide as much stability and love that I can for him. There are day’s that he drives me crazy. But then we have a few daily games we play, and my favorite is when my sister tells him,
“I love you.”
Then he responds “I love you.” Back.
Then I chime in with “I love you more.”
To which he very quickly responds “I love you less.”
And we all giggle. We all know full well that he loves me to the moon and back the little fart. It’s just a fun game just between us.
I do worry that I am too old to care for him properly. After my many joint replacements and surgeries, I cannot run, jump, and play like he deserves; but I can watch him and give loving words of encouragement every chance I get.
- A cluster of family and friends that love me. I should also clarify that they all have the same weird sense of humor. Our standard family motto lovingly passed down from our parents, is that if we are not picking on you – we don’t like you. Sounds a bit wacko I know, but it’s true. I know somewhere in my past posts I shared my father’s pet name for me was Dumb Shit. This was never shared in anger, disgust, or hate; but always in love and usually with a smile or laughter kicked in. It was his way of making one of my failures a little less painful, and it always worked (pretty sure he is in heaven laughing at me right now and using that nick-name).
- An older sister to share (or compare) our pain with.
- A younger sister to share day-to-day life with.
I also don’t care if it is the same thoughts every day. I just try to remember different situations in which they made me smile. Things like the grandson saying he loves me less. Then the next day is tricking me into playing an indoors game of badminton with a large balloon and fly swatters until he fell on the floor laughing. Maybe it was just the huge ear-to-ear grin on his face when he snuck a new baby kitten away from its mama so he could show me he found them. (FYI-it is very hard to get mad at him for pulling them away from their mom when he is so proud that he found them.)
I have shared all this in the hope of you finding your anger to battle your failures until you can either get them into winners or believe that you have given it your best shot and move on with confidence. Know that you have done the best you could. After all, some of life’s best failures have been the best creations.
(P.S. Thinking of the good stuff first in the morning, is making me have a happier day.)
You can also check me out on: www.helbergfarmstories.com for more fun stories from our farm.